Ladies, 'Just Do...You.'

I was fascinated by this article about a late twenty-something atheist woman with no children who is obsessed with reading Mormon housewife blogs. And, apparently, she is not the only non-Mormon who loves reading these 'uplifting' accounts of LDS homemaker/mommy-hood since many of her friends enjoy the 'escapism' of doting on your children, making bread of scratch, redecorating your house, spending the day making amazing discoveries in your family history, etc. These non-Mormon women like to temporarily escape from the pessimism of the world they live in. You know, the world with: divorce, high-pressure jobs, less-than-ideal living circumstances, staying together just for the kids, constantly worrying about the chemicals in your kids' food, money issues, love handles/saddle bags, etc.

Oh, wait. That's the same world Mormon housewives live in...right?



Although I am a newer member of the Mormon housewives blogosphere/club, I've never considered myself a Mormon housewife. Maybe it's because I still work part-time (only 8 hours of it is out of the home and I bring my daughter with me to work). But as I think about it more, maybe it's because I don't fit this Mormon housewives ideal. I am getting sooo much better in the kitchen and have greatly added to my meal preparation repetoire...I can even improvise a recipe a little if I don't have all the ingredients (a big step!). I suck (I mean, really bad) at crafty things...especially sewing. 

The author cites a statistic I've heard many times before: Utah has the highest rate of prescription anti-depressants among women...probably from the pressure to be the perfect Mormon housewife. This makes me so sad and reminds me of a piece of advice I gave an expecting friend (her first!): Just do you. Just do what works for you and don't worry about anyone else.

I'm sure these Mormon housewives blog readers realize that not every LDS woman is like this. She does, however, state that Mormon women are good at...really good at...putting on a happy face. And this is real. Not only do we rarely blog about our kids peeing on the carpet, our husbands screwing up their latest house project, or (heaven-forbid) something really real like your family struggling to make it financially, kids who really misbehave, etc. I don't think these Mormon housewife bloggers are doing a disservice by only posting the rosy attributes of their apparently perfect lives, but they aren't doing anyone any favors, especially other LDS women. All women, but especially LDS women need to learn to accept that what they can do to make it through any given day is enough. And they need to learn it's ok to have a bad day or week or whatever. And it's ok to SAY that you're having a tough time sometimes. I realize this would ruin some of the escapism for these non-LDS women (we would still write about the blissful times, too!), but I think it would remove some of the ridiculous pressure LDS women put on themselves.

There is a culture among women, but especially LDS women, not to admit when something is wrong. Like my friend B said, "It's like if we admit it, we are complaining about our lives." But that's not always so! Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to admit that we screwed up with our husbands, that we are struggling with our self-worth, identity, or have no idea what to do with our kids. I wish more Mormon housewives would blog about their real lives: the good and the bad. I will never forget one Sunday when a young mom of 4 in my ward (who I greatly admire) got up and bore her testimony (which is like professing your faith, etc. in front of the congregation, for you non-LDS) about how her faith sustained during rough times because she basically hadn't slept in 8 years. I LOVED that. Not that she was sleep deprived, but because I knew exactly what she was talking about (not 8 years worth, but you get my point). I knew exactly what she was talking about when she said she had to lean on the Lord because she was so physically exhausted sometimes. THAT was truly uplifting. not hearing about her perfect life, but how she made it through the hard times. Of course, I love hearing about the good times, too, but that's just not realistic...even for Mormon housewives. I think what is uplifting is to hear about these Mormon housewives' beautiful homes, children, lives, how they struggle sometimes, how they cope with it, and how they press on and re-learn/re-dedicate themselves to their beautiful lives.

Which leads me to 'Just Do You.' I was given this advice by two different people: my friend B and my husband. I rarely care what people think about me (or at least let it show), but when I do, my husband would always say: just do you. He was right; I should just do me and let other people do them. My friend B has 4 young children and, on the surface, is the quintessential Mormon housewife. She can cook a gourmet meal from scratch with her food storage while her 4 kids...plus the 2 she's babysitting...run around the house. And did I mention her house is usually spotless? I have one kid and my house is almost never spotless (who am I kidding, even before kids my house was never spotless). Oh, and she makes lace by hand. You see pictures of her beautiful children and think 'Wow, she's got it all together.' I will admit to comparing myself to her and finding myself wanting. Until...I think about all the things that come out of her mouth. This woman has no filter...almost zero (I say that with love, B). She would say things that would make those other Mormon housewives blush like, 'I just took a sleeping pill, so you need leave,' to people who stopped by or 'I'm seriously about to beat my kids' (of course she wasn't, she was just frustrated...and, honestly, who hasn't thought that?). That kind of stuff always made me feel better. Why? Because she doesn't fake it and does what makes her happy: she just does her. A spotless house, cooking, and sleeping pills make her happy (love you B); sports, writing, and reading make me happy. Mormon housewives: do what you need to do and forget what other people think.

I see many of the Mormon housewives in my ward on Sundays and often think "Wow, she has it together. She looks great, her kids are cute, her husband is awesome, etc." But I've gotten to know some of these women (or at least other women who know them) and I know they have moments where the scream at their kids. Where the dishes stink because they've been sitting there for days. The thing is, many of us don't openly talk about it because we WANT to fit that ideal Mormon housewife image. Certainly, there's nothing wrong with striving to be better, but not at the sake of your own mental health. Just do you. If you want to be a better cook, work at it, but don't compare yourself to my friend B (she will beat you hands down, guaranteed). I've learned to be proud if I try a new recipe and I'm thinking about working my way up to making homemade bread, but, honestly, I don't really care to. I have other priorities. I'd rather play with Vivi. Go work out. Write. Read. Do my work for my paying job. Or (more often than I like to admit) just veg in front of the tv. Making bread is just not something I care that much about, you know?

Does that make me a bad Mormon housewife? Yes, if your view of Mormon housewife is the one described in the article above. Do I want that 'perfect' kind of life? Sure. But I don't think my days will ever constantly be filled with craft and sewing projects. Sure, I want to get better at things that will save my family money, so I should get better at sewing, but I don't think I'll ever really do it for fun. Because it's not me. I just do me and let other people do them. Yes, that still makes me a faithful LDS woman. And, yes, I have those beautiful moments of motherhood and wifehood described in the blogs and in the article. They are so sweet and tender. Motherhood is fun...most of the time (as my daughter screams at her bedroom door). It is important to write about those times, but I think it is also important to write about the bad times...because that is what makes the good times sooo sweet.

Why are we so resistant to talking about our rough patches, struggles, and imperfections? Some of it is because we compare ourselves to other perfect Mormon housewives. But I also think a large part of it is because of what we know we know. For example, we know who are children really are: they are Heavenly Father's children who have been entrusted to us. That makes me feel guilty whenever I scream at Vivi. We know that our marriages should be for eternity we should ALWAYS be happy in our marriages, right? We raised our kids in the Gospel, so the only way they could've gone astray is if we screwed up, right? We know that motherhood (and womanhood) is a truly noble, important, and God-given calling...so we should love every moment...right? I think many of us truly rejoice in being loving wives to our loving husbands and adore our children, but we need to keep it real ladies. If you need a mental health day to just sit, eat chocolate, and watch movies with your kids: just do you. And when your friends ask what you did all day, say "I was having a really crappy day, so I parked the kids in front of the tv and we watched movies all day. Didn't do a dish, didn't do laundry. We had chicken nuggets for lunch and we're having pizza for dinner." You know what your friend would probably say? "I need to do that."

I blog, not because my life is perfect (we live in a one-bedroom basement apartment, my husband has a Master's and is applying to more schools, and we are poor), but because I think there are other women who may also not be the natural homemaker like myself. And we can be genuinely happy while we do it. I am. However, I do strive to be better than I am. I want to be a better cook. I want to be able to mend clothes so we don't have to go out and buy new pants every time there's a hole. I want to make a loving home for my family. I want to be creative, but my strengths aren't in scrapbooking or cake decorating and luckily those aren't requirements for salvation. I just do me. Mormon housewives (and everyone) should just do them.

Having said all that, my next blog will be about the misconception that all Mormon housewives do is cook, clean, bathe the children, and do artsy-crafty things. There's one thing that non-LDS do not see and we rarely talk about it...and it takes up a lot of our time. As it should.